Look, my proud momma tail feathers are showing.

Happy Saturday to all of you. It is a beautiful, sunny spring day here in my part of the world. My great deer hunter, plays trumpet in the band. Which being named after an arch angel seems very appropriate. Yesterday he had an individual competition at a local school. Scored a #1, which (here come the proud feathers) is the best you can score. WHAAHOOOO... In his words, "mom I was so scared I almost peed myself". The judge, could see he was nervous and let him have a do over. In the second try it nailed it. After his competition, he went to the school "sock hop", with my little princess. Who was dressed in a lovely red DRESS!!!. Holy cow, that is scary, she is my little self described tomboy. Does not like dresses, won't even wear one to church. She even wore her hair down, (normal is a ponytail even to bed). This has never really bothered me, as I know what she looks like under those baggy clothes and with her hair down. She has the hour glass figure I never did, with sparkling eyes and a mane of hair most women would die for. YIKES.. She was beaming. They both had a wonderful time. My deer hunter has always had an almost frighting attraction for the opposite sex. On an afternoon at the local park, he was taken away by an entire brownie pack. They wanted to have his picture taken with them. DOUBLE YIKES.. They will be 13 and 11 in July. My son can not remind me enough that he will be a teenager..Oh I am sure I am going to need meds for this. Several months ago. He with great pride announced that he had "an armpit hair". Do you have any ideal how hard it was not to fall down in the floor laughing. I have noticed that since then he sits with is hands clasp behind his head to show all the world he now has 4 armpit hairs...LOL Because of total hysterectomy I do not have any hormones. Now they will be flying around this house like nats. The ones that buzz your ear driving you totally insane. To make it worse yesterday on Oprah, they had done studies to show what hormones do to us, for us, and what it causes. They talked about the smell that women and men emit, how it affects the opposite sex. How when women ovulate it physically makes her more attractive than the rest of the month, it makes her voice higher pitched. A man who is in contact with a women who is ovulating starts to produce testosterone. We like to think we are higher educated, and in more control than my cat when she come in season. But in reality, we pick and choose with more animal instinct than we care to admit. I won't go into it more now, I have got to get to work. But I think I will later, as I find it so interesting.

Sunday

We had a wonderful day on Sunday. Started off by sleeping in. Well the princess and I did, the deer hunter never sleeps in. He is the early bird. First one to sleep and the first one up. We then just hung out in the house, reading the Sunday paper, playing video games, not in a hurry to do anything. Just after lunch we went to Brams for ice cream. Then went to the park for the afternoon. I sat on the bench, wrote in my journal, they played there hearts out. I got some great pics of them on the jungle bars. It is a cute little park. It is one block from our house. The city just put in new equipment last year and now this year they have added new picnic tables and barbecue grills, a new basketball court. It is great. We love to go there when we have time. All the pretty trees are budding out, the grass is turning green. I love spring. What a glorious day...

Last year..

Here is my last year in a nut shell. I dropped out of beauty school in June. I could not afford to keep going, even with the single parent scholarships. I could not make enough working 25 hrs a week to keep us in a home. It was a very hard decision. It has always been a dream of mine to be a hair dresser. But some time dreams come at to high a cost. I have really kicked myself over this. Seems as I look back on my life. I never finish anything. There is always a reason. I just can't decide if I am lacking something. My life has never been easy, I try not to dwell on it. I know there are people who have found the strength to rise above circumstances. Why can't I? Is it that my desire is not strong enough? I took an IQ test a few yrs ago, I scored a 126. I do not really even know where that falls. I am creative, but seem to have a very hard time staying on task. As anyone who knows me my mind jumps from one place to another. The main reason I am no longer doing medical billing. I was a loyal, trustworthy, dependable employee. But I can't seem to stay on task the way the others did. There fore my work was less than others. I am not looking for you to really answer me. My step dad passed away Aug 16, 08 then my nannie passed away March 16, 09. My step dad was my back up. I knew if all else failed and I had to have something he was there. It has really taken a toll on me. I can tell my stress level has gone thur the roof. I think the worse thing is my health has gone down. In my younger yrs if I needed extra money. I just got a second job. Well now I do good to make it to my regular job 5 days a week. There is nothing left physically or mentally. Just sitting here writing the words, send fear thur my soul. What will I do when I can't get up and go anymore? How will I feed my children? I am not even sure why i am writing all this. I set down and started to write the shot version of where my life is. You know the one where you smile and say everything is fine..Really it is. Then go home and pretend it is. When the truth is I am scared. I have always been a fighter. No matter what came at me I would some how get thur it. I miss Paw Paw. Not the place as much as the time. Friends, young, eager to start our lives. Searching for the place we would go. The things we would do. I miss standing under the stars feeling I was happy, safe, loved. My dear friend told me at my nannies funeral, I do not remember it all. That may be true, I may just choose to remember the good stuff. Yes I know there were some very heated conversations. I always knew that it would be ok. Where do i go from here? Again I am not looking for an answer from you, as much as from me.

What do you think?

Help me with these little questions What is success to you? How do you know when you have found it? Do we ever really find it?

7 months and counting

About the middle of Oct, is the date I long for. This will hopefully the time I finish my 1500 hours of school. I am so ready to be done. The full load I am carrying is getting to me. It is wearing me out. I do have great news. One of my instructors has made me an offer. She does hair at City Hospital. It is more of a geriatric unit. I have delt with the elderly for years. I really enjoy it. She only works on Mondays. The lady who works Tue thur Frid will be leaving this summer. My instructor would like me to fill in the 4 days. We are looking for someone who can fill in for the time between when the other lady leaves, and when I can take my state board tests. It will be my own shop. Without the start up and over head. All I pay is 10% of what I make. I will do the residents hair care. I can also do anyone else who I have as a client. I set my own hours and prices. I have checked around. The Super cuts I had thought about. Requires you work every Saturday and every other Sunday. I just do not want to work weekends. I have been praying God would find a way I could just work during the week and only 4 days. Then out of the blue this came to me. Isn't it great when you realize God does hear our pleas. I have been so blessed this year. Just please pray my body can stand these extra hours. My new sweetie is good, my kid's are great. I have been trying to think of a name for sweetie and his daughter. I think I am leaning to Fearless. It is a joke between us. I made his daughter a tee shirt. She called me today and thanked me for it. It had Daddy's girl on it. Fearless is a fireman. He responded to a bad car wreck today. He said it was 2 kids. I have so many emotions tied to him going out on calls. Well I am off to bed. My brain is going to sleep anyway.

My life is Full

My life is full. It is a wonderful thing to say. I have 2 great kido's. That are doing well. I have a great career I am working on. I should graduate from Cosmotology school in Sept 08. I am really enjoying it. Can not wait. I have a job that I do like while I am going to school.

I work at a home impovement store. It is great, I see everyone I know and get paid to do it.

I picked up 10 little Banny chicks for the great deer hunter and princess today. They were thrilled. I hope they make it. They will have to live at their dads. I did call him first.

My deer hunter is growing into such a little man. My princess is still taking piano lessons. Her teacher called us. Last week she asked her to sing. The teacher was so impressed with her voice. As was a girl in the building that came to see who was singing. Her teacher is changing her piano to Piano and voice lessons. My momma heart swelled up. I prayed that she would have a beautiful voice when she was still in my womb. God has blessed us both.

To add to my full life. I have been blessed with a man. I was not really looking since I had so much going on. But he walked into my life. Now makes me smile every time I think about it.
He is a long tall drink of water, to my body and soul. I am still thinking of a name for him on my blog. He is a trim carpenter by trade and a volunteer fire fighter.

He has a daughter age 10. Between us we have 9,10,11. Both girls are in 4th grade. My kids have met him. But not her yet. As my schedule is to crazy.

I have got to go to bed. I have to be at school tomorrow am.

my new sweetie

When the day is done

you have

crossed and crossed

again and again thur the paths

of my mind

depositing fragments of you

the color of your eyes

the smell of you on my hands

the shape of your smile

the sound of your laughter

the texture of your hand

my desires grow, more of you to know

Jeanie Diane 1/30/08

bouquet of pencils

In my favorite movie is a line, "I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils" by Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail.

I have my freshly sharpened pencils and notebook. Tomorrow is my first day of beauty collage. I am more excited with every passing minute. I have all my clothes picked out and ready to go. I remember me and my best friend in school. I will call her Dimpy. It was her nickname. We would talk on the phone about what we would wear to school. Then walk the 2 blocks to physically look at the outfits.

Will I find a new friend? One who might be with me for yrs to come. Will I meet a nice man? It is as if someone opened Heaven and gave me a second chance at life. A life that I have a say in, one that will have a happy ending.

Oh I know that it will be hard. I will got to school Tues thur Friday 8am to 4pm. and Sat 9am to 2pm. I will work at on my days off all day, then after school every day except Wed and Thurs. The days that the Princess and Great Deer Hunter are here. They are here every other week end also. But in 11 months, I will have a new career. One that I choose, not one that I could do just because it was there.

I have spent most of my pre marriage yrs working 2 jobs. So it is not new to me. But I was a lot younger then. I know my desire for a better life for me and my children will carry me thur this.

My life has never been what you might call a free ride anyway. Not that I am complaining. It is what makes me who I am. A strong, complicated, loyal, loving, compassionate, creative, passionate women.

Well I am off, to work. I'll let you know how it goes.
JD