Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Darkness Come


whence duth come the darkness

all consuming day, all consuming night

whence duth come the darkness

eyes that see no more

whence duth come the darkness

bones that crumble and waste

whence duth come the darkness

ears that scream

whence duth come the darkness

lips that burn with desire

whence duth come the darkness

heart that beats no more

whence duth come the LIGHT!!

10-23-06 1:15 AM


oh the pain that floods my soul. the darkness comes
over powering like the waters of a roaring
river that can not be stopped.

the sorow weighs on me. like a mill stone pulling me
under the currents deeper, deeper and deeper.

fear of the terrior not seen, hidden in the cold
black abyss.

life filled with , lyies, untrust, sadness,
hopelessness, sucking all the joy from every
fiber of my soul.

the darkness is so all consuming

when, when oh when I beg will the light come when
will the joy, hope, and freedom come to me

can i stand strong until the light comes please, please
i beg, let the light shine again.


Sunday, November 19, 2006

the flames are burning my feet

Hello friends,

To say my life is hell right now, would be a tremendous understatment.

I am sitting in the living room of my mothers home. (mom died 4 yrs
now but it will always be mom's house). It is were I go when life is
just to overwhelming. I do not know if it is just me. Mom died here at
home. I can still feel her peace here. Calming me when the answeres to
life are very had.

This blog was to be my place to take my feelings good, bad, sad, happy and
ever thing in between. I have been so locked up inside. I couldn't even
find words to write here.

I think I can finally hear the flood waters coming. I have some poems I will
be listing later. I left them at work.

I am in the process of a D I V O R C E....I feel as if I have been to
the bottom of hell. I keep thinking it will be over soon. But that is
when the flood waters suck me down in a whirlpool again.

That is why I had to come home. I will still have to get up and drive
back for work tomorrow. But I needed to get out for a while. I need
your prayers. ( I need this DONE..) I have to get started on my
way back up.

I have always been a fighter. Ask anyone who knows me. But my fighting
skills are rusty. I have spent the last 10 yrs keeping peace, not speaking
my mind. To the point I woke up one morning, not knowing who I was looking
at in the mirror.

All the things that made me who I am, were gone. I am sick all the time.
My mind fades in and out. My respect for myself left long ago. I truly
beleive my life has been making me physically sick.

I guess we will find out soon. The longer I am gone, we will see if
I get better.

I have been to the lawyer. I know how much money I will be getting. The
issues about the children have been settled. Now I need to be able to
find a place. I need to try and find some thing I can pay cash for.
All should be done by the new year.

Pray for my deer hunter and the little princess. They will need it
I do not want them to get caught up in this. They still need 2 parents.

( the little deer hunter and dad got a deer :-) I have never
seen my little man more excited and proud. He couldn't get
his hammer back. So he told dad to get it. )

I guess I will end this for now. I am very sorry to dump such unhappy
stuff. But as I said this is my sounding board.

from the bottom

Friday, September 08, 2006

What a Day!!

Tomorrow will be one of the busyist days of my life. I am already tired just
thinking about it.

My darling little princess will be in her school Mr and Miss pageant. We have
practice at 9:00am. Then as soon as we get out, we are heading for the hair
dresser. She will have her hair and nails done. I can't wait to see how she

By the time we get done there, grab some lunch. We are heading for their
cousin's birthday party. It is a costume party. Of course she is going as
a princess, her brother is going as a pirate.

Before the party is over. I will take the great deer hunter to his 1st
ever football game. The princess will go home with my mother in law to
wait for us. The great deer hunter is doing just great in football. I
was surprised, he took to it so well. He is pretty small for his age.
I have seen him take down boys ever bit 3x bigger than him. He is tackle
on defense. He is so small and fast, he hits the guy in front of him on
the legs and takes them down. Last week he hit a big kid, who fell on
top of him. The big kid had to be taken out of the scrimmage. He some how got
his hand in deer hunter's helment and cut it.

The kids dad will pick up princess at his moms. Get her to the pageant.
As soon as we get done with football. We will head that away. Football
game is from 5-6pm. It is at least an hour from the pageant. It starts at
7 pm.

The force be with me. I am so excited for both of them. I am not sure of
the chances princess has to win. But I can't wait to see her all dressed up.
The Great deer hunter's chance of winning are pretty slim. The team they are
playing was the best team at the scrimmages last week with all the teams.

That is enough rambling for now.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Do you remember

It was bitterly cold, half a foot of snow. It was clear, the snow had
cleaned the air. It looked like the world was black and white, Pure
white. The only pure white God can make.

In this world of black and white. Before so many things made it grey.
There were a group of friends. Before the friends on tv. This group
had 4 boys and 3 girls. We met every day to hang out.

On this day we played tackle football in the snow. We went to the old
country store in town. This is the same store I had gone to since I
was a small child. It had concrete floors, high ceilings with ceiling
fans. I even had a feed room in the back. It was the kind of store you
would see in any small town America. It would take you back to the
1950's. But the year was 1974. (I think)

We warmed ourselves at the old stove. Eating snacks, drying off for the
next venture out in the snow. Some of us had been friends since before

One of the guys, had lived next to me when I was 5 he was 3. I remember
being mad at him because he could pee behind a tree. I had to go in the
house. Which took me away from time playing.

One day we went about a mile from home. Crossed railrood tracks, an old, one lane,woode bridge. I got scared and would not come back across.
But that is another story.

Our little group started back out. Walked about 3 block, crossed a field.
We ended up at a frozen pond. While we were there we decided to play truth
or dare. In the midest of this, the dares started going to kissing. Who
would kiss who.

Now I had never been kissed, to say I was scared, excited, and shaking. As
you could imagine it came to me. One of the guys, that was the only jerk in
the bunch. Said he was sure I had never been kissed. I was so embarrassed.

The sweetest guy, Brad P said he would kiss me. I was sure I would just
faint right there. I can still remember his soft lips on mine. It was the
most tender kiss. I have only met one other guy who could kiss as good as

This was a warm tinder kiss, the kind what warms you to your soul. I will
always remember that day.

Tell me about your 1st kiss? Do you remember it? Who it was? What did you

Do you remember

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Sweet Rain from Heaven

Last night the Heavens opened up and let down a wonderful slow soaking rain.
It was the 1st substantial rain in a very long time. It was the 1st rain since
my husband put a top on our deck. It was so relaxing to hear the rain hit the
tin roof. It was a little to cool to go out and enjoy from the deck. But I can
not wait for warmer weather to sit in my swing, drifting off in to a nap. Listening
to the pitter patter of the rain on the tin.

We have a very busy day today. My little princess has a birthday party to attend.
It is at the local center for families and has a big indoor pool. I think I will
take the chance to get a little exercise in the water. It is so much easier on
my knees.

I know this has not been very much. But I have got to hit the ground running
today so much to do. My children are having a baked potato chili dinner at
church tonight. They are raising money for outings this summer.

Take care.