Friday, March 27, 2009

Last year..

Here is my last year in a nut shell.

I dropped out of beauty school in June. I could not afford to keep going, even with the single parent scholarships. I could not make enough working 25 hrs a week to keep us in a home. It was a very hard decision. It has always been a dream of mine to be a hair dresser. But some time dreams come at to high a cost. I have really kicked myself over this. Seems as I look back on my life. I never finish anything. There is always a reason. I just can't decide if I am lacking something.

My life has never been easy, I try not to dwell on it. I know there are people who have found the strength to rise above circumstances. Why can't I? Is it that my desire is not strong enough? I took an IQ test a few yrs ago, I scored a 126. I do not really even know where that falls.

I am creative, but seem to have a very hard time staying on task. As anyone who knows me my mind jumps from one place to another. The main reason I am no longer doing medical billing. I was a loyal, trustworthy, dependable employee. But I can't seem to stay on task the way the others did. There fore my work was less than others.

I am not looking for you to really answer me.

My step dad passed away Aug 16, 08 then my nannie passed away March 16, 09. My step dad was my back up. I knew if all else failed and I had to have something he was there. It has really taken a toll on me. I can tell my stress level has gone thur the roof. I think the worse thing is my health has gone down. In my younger yrs if I needed extra money. I just got a second job. Well now I do good to make it to my regular job 5 days a week. There is nothing left physically or mentally. Just sitting here writing the words, send fear thur my soul. What will I do when I can't get up and go anymore? How will I feed my children?

I am not even sure why i am writing all this. I set down and started to write the shot version of where my life is. You know the one where you smile and say everything is fine..Really it is. Then go home and pretend it is. When the truth is I am scared. I have always been a fighter. No matter what came at me I would some how get thur it.

I miss Paw Paw. Not the place as much as the time. Friends, young, eager to start our lives. Searching for the place we would go. The things we would do. I miss standing under the stars feeling I was happy, safe, loved. My dear friend told me at my nannies funeral, I do not remember it all. That may be true, I may just choose to remember the good stuff. Yes I know there were some very heated conversations. I always knew that it would be ok.

Where do i go from here? Again I am not looking for an answer from you, as much as from me.

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