Once again, sleep eludes me. I know it has to do with my body's reaction to stress. I know all of our lives we are taught that every action has a reaction. It has to include the introduction to knowledge we did not know.
Example, my ex husband was released from jail today. That was an action that I really had no involvement in. It however is my reaction, that is why I am not sleeping. Now I do not have any fear for my safety or that of my children with this knowledge. I should be able to just get on with my life. Not having any concern as to how or what he does.
This is where my stress is coming from. I can not just turn off my mind and feelings. Will he get his life together now? Will he go back on the meth? What else will he loose, besides me?
When I lay down at nite, my body physically tenses up. It is as if at that point, I do not have the distraction of daily chores, children, work, pets and all the other things I do to keep my mind off of him and me. My mind is free now to go to all the places, I so carefully avoid during the day. It causes me to toss, even jerk. Sometimes I have to go take a hot bath to get my muscles to calm down. I know part of it is the fibromyalgia.
So here I am on here, asking the cosmic question. When will I be able to go on? I never saw myself even going thru one divorce and now I have been thur two. I have read that it is one of the most stressful things you can have, after the death of family, and next to the loss of a job.
To add fuel to the already burning fire. I must have lost my mind trying to take sugar out of my diet. I made it 7 1/2 days. Really thought I might have a chance this time, losing weight. Being healthy. Oh how silly I must look to myself and everyone else.
I am 54 yrs old. I have not been under 200 lbs in 36 yrs. With the one exception, of 2011 when I first met Brent (ex husband). It was June. I was kinda watching what I eat and we went to the river at least 5 out of 7 days a week and swam. I got to 195. But as soon as fall came and no more swimming, and no exercise to replace it. I went back up.
I lay in bed thinking about Brent, the weight thing and how I really do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. I do understand, there are way worse thing in the world. That people go on with there lives just fine after divorce and some how become content with there lives alone. I really am not here to debate that fact. I have friends that never married, they seem happy in their lives.
Brent and I used to lay in bed at nite and read. If he read something he liked he would read out loud to me and I would to him. That is what I miss the most. Before the drugs took him out of our bed. People on meth do not like to sleep. So it was a slow death, the end of our marriage. He would be up for a day or two. Then more. In the end, he would be gone for days at a time. I would have very little clue as to where he was, or who he was with.
Of course he has found his way back now to the women, who introduced him to meth. I think he never really left her. I know he was still seeing her when we were married. Oh he denied it to the bitter end. But I know in my heart he was. Of course the other girls his son drug into our lives were more than a little helpful at filling in the pieces.
To have a good nite's sleep, with out dreams or night mares. Waking up to a new day with hope for the future. That is my wish for me and for everyone else. We must have hope.
Good nite, my friends.
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