Look, my proud momma tail feathers are showing.

Happy Saturday to all of you. It is a beautiful, sunny spring day here in my part of the world. My great deer hunter, plays trumpet in the band. Which being named after an arch angel seems very appropriate. Yesterday he had an individual competition at a local school. Scored a #1, which (here come the proud feathers) is the best you can score. WHAAHOOOO... In his words, "mom I was so scared I almost peed myself". The judge, could see he was nervous and let him have a do over. In the second try it nailed it. After his competition, he went to the school "sock hop", with my little princess. Who was dressed in a lovely red DRESS!!!. Holy cow, that is scary, she is my little self described tomboy. Does not like dresses, won't even wear one to church. She even wore her hair down, (normal is a ponytail even to bed). This has never really bothered me, as I know what she looks like under those baggy clothes and with her hair down. She has the hour glass figure I never did, with sparkling eyes and a mane of hair most women would die for. YIKES.. She was beaming. They both had a wonderful time. My deer hunter has always had an almost frighting attraction for the opposite sex. On an afternoon at the local park, he was taken away by an entire brownie pack. They wanted to have his picture taken with them. DOUBLE YIKES.. They will be 13 and 11 in July. My son can not remind me enough that he will be a teenager..Oh I am sure I am going to need meds for this. Several months ago. He with great pride announced that he had "an armpit hair". Do you have any ideal how hard it was not to fall down in the floor laughing. I have noticed that since then he sits with is hands clasp behind his head to show all the world he now has 4 armpit hairs...LOL Because of total hysterectomy I do not have any hormones. Now they will be flying around this house like nats. The ones that buzz your ear driving you totally insane. To make it worse yesterday on Oprah, they had done studies to show what hormones do to us, for us, and what it causes. They talked about the smell that women and men emit, how it affects the opposite sex. How when women ovulate it physically makes her more attractive than the rest of the month, it makes her voice higher pitched. A man who is in contact with a women who is ovulating starts to produce testosterone. We like to think we are higher educated, and in more control than my cat when she come in season. But in reality, we pick and choose with more animal instinct than we care to admit. I won't go into it more now, I have got to get to work. But I think I will later, as I find it so interesting.

Sunday

We had a wonderful day on Sunday. Started off by sleeping in. Well the princess and I did, the deer hunter never sleeps in. He is the early bird. First one to sleep and the first one up. We then just hung out in the house, reading the Sunday paper, playing video games, not in a hurry to do anything. Just after lunch we went to Brams for ice cream. Then went to the park for the afternoon. I sat on the bench, wrote in my journal, they played there hearts out. I got some great pics of them on the jungle bars. It is a cute little park. It is one block from our house. The city just put in new equipment last year and now this year they have added new picnic tables and barbecue grills, a new basketball court. It is great. We love to go there when we have time. All the pretty trees are budding out, the grass is turning green. I love spring. What a glorious day...

Last year..

Here is my last year in a nut shell. I dropped out of beauty school in June. I could not afford to keep going, even with the single parent scholarships. I could not make enough working 25 hrs a week to keep us in a home. It was a very hard decision. It has always been a dream of mine to be a hair dresser. But some time dreams come at to high a cost. I have really kicked myself over this. Seems as I look back on my life. I never finish anything. There is always a reason. I just can't decide if I am lacking something. My life has never been easy, I try not to dwell on it. I know there are people who have found the strength to rise above circumstances. Why can't I? Is it that my desire is not strong enough? I took an IQ test a few yrs ago, I scored a 126. I do not really even know where that falls. I am creative, but seem to have a very hard time staying on task. As anyone who knows me my mind jumps from one place to another. The main reason I am no longer doing medical billing. I was a loyal, trustworthy, dependable employee. But I can't seem to stay on task the way the others did. There fore my work was less than others. I am not looking for you to really answer me. My step dad passed away Aug 16, 08 then my nannie passed away March 16, 09. My step dad was my back up. I knew if all else failed and I had to have something he was there. It has really taken a toll on me. I can tell my stress level has gone thur the roof. I think the worse thing is my health has gone down. In my younger yrs if I needed extra money. I just got a second job. Well now I do good to make it to my regular job 5 days a week. There is nothing left physically or mentally. Just sitting here writing the words, send fear thur my soul. What will I do when I can't get up and go anymore? How will I feed my children? I am not even sure why i am writing all this. I set down and started to write the shot version of where my life is. You know the one where you smile and say everything is fine..Really it is. Then go home and pretend it is. When the truth is I am scared. I have always been a fighter. No matter what came at me I would some how get thur it. I miss Paw Paw. Not the place as much as the time. Friends, young, eager to start our lives. Searching for the place we would go. The things we would do. I miss standing under the stars feeling I was happy, safe, loved. My dear friend told me at my nannies funeral, I do not remember it all. That may be true, I may just choose to remember the good stuff. Yes I know there were some very heated conversations. I always knew that it would be ok. Where do i go from here? Again I am not looking for an answer from you, as much as from me.

What do you think?

Help me with these little questions What is success to you? How do you know when you have found it? Do we ever really find it?