Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I am restless..

I started this blog in Oct 2004.  It was a way for me to express all that was going on in my life.  A place to pretend for a minute, that my life mattered.  Somewhere in the big picture of things. 

I wanted to raise my children, get them started on a good life.  What ever that exactly is I now do not know.  What really defines a good life?  In our country it would be defined by how much you make and what all you have acquired.  In another country, it might be just that you lived without being killed, by bombing, wild animals, an epidemic, or act of nature.  Did the life of a person living in the jungle somewhere, living off the land, mean as much as a vice president of a large corporation? 

Take my life.  I live a pretty small life, compared to some.  I live in a small, modest home.  It is not as clean as it should be, but I am happy for the most part here.  I know there are people who live in worse conditions. I have lots of things that need to be done.  I have sewer leak in the back yard, I do not have any working heat, this does have to be addressed soon, or I will have really big problems.  I am not complaining, I am just trying to come to understand where, I go from here. 

My children were 8 and 6 when I started this blog.  They are now 20 and 18.  So for the most part starting out on there own.  Both in higher education. No longer living with me. 

I have gone through 2 divorces.  Which takes a lot of a person.  Gone through several health issues and still have some.  One of the main reason's that the sewer out back has not been fixed.  I can not do things I used to be able to do.  This has sent me into depression.  I get tired of begging for help.  Do not have financial means to hire someone to help.  I sometimes feel I am spiraling out of control. 

Some how, I still have hope.  I get up every day.  I work from home.  This has helped me so much. I wonder though, am I doing or making my place, in this world?  The place God has intended me to be.  I know God has used me,  I have seen prayers answered.  This is good and bad.  I know it is not me.  It does however put pressure on me, what if I pray and God doesn't do what is asked.  Have I failed him? I know I have failed people.  One of the worse things I ever heard came from a man from our church.  After my first divorce, he couldn't understand, that I as a person was not perfect.  The divorce let him down, and it broke my heart. I do love my church, but is it where I am to be?

Do I stay here in my little town, now that my children are gone?  Do I go back to my home town?  Do I just get in a car and travel? I really do not want to be alone, but I do not have the ability to do the things a wife is expected to do.  Does this lesson my value as a person?  I have friends, but honestly, not very many true friends.  My true friends live away.  What about my kids, if I leave this area? 

I miss my second husband so bad sometimes it hurts.  The person under the addiction.  I pray for him daily.  My first husband, it has only been through the grace of God, that I have not inflicted bodily harm to him.  I have never met a more manipulative person in my life.  He has spent the past 11 yrs doing every thing in his power to discredit me before my children and the community.  It was working for a while.  But now both of my children see him for what he is.  It is a very sad thing.  As the only reason I stayed here after my divorce was so my children could have a relationship with him.  As I never knew my dad. 

So between the 2 divorces, my heart is not in a place to trust anyone.

I do not go back and to major editing to my blog stories, so I am aware I ramble.  This is not a place of making sense as much as a place to ask questions of my self.  God bless and good night.