I am restless..

I started this blog in Oct 2004.  It was a way for me to express all that was going on in my life.  A place to pretend for a minute, that my life mattered.  Somewhere in the big picture of things. 

I wanted to raise my children, get them started on a good life.  What ever that exactly is I now do not know.  What really defines a good life?  In our country it would be defined by how much you make and what all you have acquired.  In another country, it might be just that you lived without being killed, by bombing, wild animals, an epidemic, or act of nature.  Did the life of a person living in the jungle somewhere, living off the land, mean as much as a vice president of a large corporation? 

Take my life.  I live a pretty small life, compared to some.  I live in a small, modest home.  It is not as clean as it should be, but I am happy for the most part here.  I know there are people who live in worse conditions. I have lots of things that need to be done.  I have sewer leak in the back yard, I do not have any working heat, this does have to be addressed soon, or I will have really big problems.  I am not complaining, I am just trying to come to understand where, I go from here. 

My children were 8 and 6 when I started this blog.  They are now 20 and 18.  So for the most part starting out on there own.  Both in higher education. No longer living with me. 

I have gone through 2 divorces.  Which takes a lot of a person.  Gone through several health issues and still have some.  One of the main reason's that the sewer out back has not been fixed.  I can not do things I used to be able to do.  This has sent me into depression.  I get tired of begging for help.  Do not have financial means to hire someone to help.  I sometimes feel I am spiraling out of control. 

Some how, I still have hope.  I get up every day.  I work from home.  This has helped me so much. I wonder though, am I doing or making my place, in this world?  The place God has intended me to be.  I know God has used me,  I have seen prayers answered.  This is good and bad.  I know it is not me.  It does however put pressure on me, what if I pray and God doesn't do what is asked.  Have I failed him? I know I have failed people.  One of the worse things I ever heard came from a man from our church.  After my first divorce, he couldn't understand, that I as a person was not perfect.  The divorce let him down, and it broke my heart. I do love my church, but is it where I am to be?

Do I stay here in my little town, now that my children are gone?  Do I go back to my home town?  Do I just get in a car and travel? I really do not want to be alone, but I do not have the ability to do the things a wife is expected to do.  Does this lesson my value as a person?  I have friends, but honestly, not very many true friends.  My true friends live away.  What about my kids, if I leave this area? 

I miss my second husband so bad sometimes it hurts.  The person under the addiction.  I pray for him daily.  My first husband, it has only been through the grace of God, that I have not inflicted bodily harm to him.  I have never met a more manipulative person in my life.  He has spent the past 11 yrs doing every thing in his power to discredit me before my children and the community.  It was working for a while.  But now both of my children see him for what he is.  It is a very sad thing.  As the only reason I stayed here after my divorce was so my children could have a relationship with him.  As I never knew my dad. 

So between the 2 divorces, my heart is not in a place to trust anyone.

I do not go back and to major editing to my blog stories, so I am aware I ramble.  This is not a place of making sense as much as a place to ask questions of my self.  God bless and good night.

I HATE METH, I HATE METH. I HATE METH

I was told that Hitler developed meth, to keep his soldiers going.  On no food and with out sleep.  I can believe it.  Because I believe with all my heart it was created by the devil himself.  If history was correct Hitler was pretty close to a child of Satan, if there ever was one.  I am not here to debate any one's opinion of Hitler. 

My problem is with the creation.  I was totally blind sighted by the drug.  I had seen the news stories about it.  I watched my sister destroy her life and the lives of her children.  However from afar.  As she would never live close to us to hide the drug use.  I have watched it destroy any moral fiber she may have been taught in church and at home as a child.  Steal from her own mother, use her children's social security numbers to set up utilities, after it was shut off in her name.

I was never around to see the affects of it on her.  I did not see the people she had around her to supply the drugs to her, or what she had to do to get it.

I did however get a strong hate for the use of drugs, of most any kind.  I could not see any good in them.  Only destruction, death, sadness, lies, bitterness, jail time,  children lost in the system.  What I can not rap my mind around is the fact that, children  will grow up to use this stuff.  After watching in fear what it has done to there parents.  The curse will continue through generations.

I can not grasp that.  I have read so much now, because it has touched my life.  Most people who try meth, are addicted the first time.  Some it takes a little longer . Just a little longer.  As it hits on every good feeling receptor in the brain.  From that point on, it is a battle to keep getting that high.  As the body starts to adjust and they have to use more, use other methods of introduction to the body.  

This is what I did see, with my own eyes.  In my own life as the wife of an addict.  I watched what it did to him and his son.  I watched as it became impossible to live with them in our home.  Asking them to leave, finding out they had been arrested on drug charges.  This is my story.

They will stay up for days.  Thinking that they are ok, functioning just like normal.  In reality it takes a grown man who can fix just about anything.  Down to the mentality of a pre teen.  Their attention span is very short.  They fixate on video games, or doing something with their hands.  Thinking all is working well. The simplest task now takes 5 times as long.  They leave kitchen cabinets open, draws open, water running in the sink.   A trail of fishing equipment, knives he always had a knife he was sharping.  I would find open knives in the bed, the couch, coffee table, bathroom, kitchen counter. It was like a trail of them.

I do not know the medical reason, and I am very sure there is one.  They will not shower,  their teeth rot out from the meth drying their mouth out.  Causing them to drink more fluids.  However they usually choose Mountain Dew.  It has more sugar and caffeine than some of the other soda's.  That is what caused the tooth decay.   When they do eat, it is usually sugary snacks.  To try and keep the high going.

Then come the inevitable time they have to crash. Most of the time they fall asleep anywhere they get still. Could be in a chair, on the toilet, on the floor.  It is really hard to get them into bed.  As they seem to hate sleeping.  Thinking if they do not go to bed they won't sleep.  I have noticed, that the crash takes almost as long to recover with matched days down as they were up.  The first hours of sleep, are very fitful.  Dreaming, crying out in there sleep, tossing, jerking.  This goes on for hours.  I don't know if they are even aware of it.  As I never had the nerve to ask. 

Waking up from this must be a tremendous shock to their bodies.  As they are searching for a fix as soon as their eyes open.  If there is none to be found.  It is like living with Jekel and Hyde.  The withdrawal are painful.   Both mentally and physically. As if every nerve in their body is raw.  They lash out at everyone around them.  I guess I was one of the lucky ones, who did not have any physical abuse.

Depending on the person, as to how bad it is.  Most of what I endured was verbal and mental abuse.  I did not know how to cook, clean, drive, wash clothes, the way I breathed was wrong. 

At this point even I would pay for meth, just to get away from this evil person who had taken over my husband.  So it becomes a vicious cycle.  With only a bad ending. 

I do not even know now if the man I fell in love with was the one on the drugs, or not.  Since I was not around anyone with a drug addiction before.  I am sure I missed the beginning signs.   I sure did not miss the ending signs.  Lies, money gone, could not hold a job, our home destroyed. 

I honestly do not even have an answer, as what to do to help them.  I know there is rehab, drug court and Christian based help.  The latter is the one I would put the most faith in.  You can not help someone who does not want any help.  I do not know the percentage of people who truly get help and are able to stay off.  I know it can not be very high.  My own husband said no one is able to quit. They might be off for a while, but they will go back.  I guess he knows.

Our jails and prisons are full of petty drug dealers.  Most just sell to friends to pay for their own addiction.  I sat under a tree one day, in front of a county court house.  My husband was in jail there.  I was sitting next to an attorney who was legal aid for the folks who could not afford an attorney.  We discussed the fact that most all of these folks were just that.  Petty dealers, with a circle of friends who were also addicts.  Keeping each other in meth. 

We also discussed how the cartel seemed to be able to move millions of dollars worth of meth and no one could catch them.  Driving semi trucks full across this great country and no one seemed to know where they are.

He was of the opinion that the courts and prisons are full just to have jobs.  I did not know that most prison are for profit.  That if they drop below a certain number of inmates.  The state will pay them.  So it seems to me, the states are pushing to keep these repeat offenders coming back.  They really do not want these folks off the drugs. 

While the judges are smoking pot on Friday after noons with afew good friends.  My short time in this marriage.  Just over 3 years.  A person would be very surprised as to who does these drugs. 

I HATE METH!

why do i bother?

Once again, sleep eludes me.  I know it has to do with my body's reaction to stress.  I know all of our lives we are taught that every action has a reaction.  It has to include the introduction to knowledge we did not know. 

Example,  my ex husband was released from jail today. That was an action that I really had no involvement in.  It however is my reaction, that is why I am not sleeping.  Now I do not have any fear for my safety or that of my children with this knowledge.  I should be able to just get on with my life.  Not having any concern as to how or what he does. 

This is where my stress is coming from.  I can not just turn off my mind and feelings.  Will he get his life together now?  Will he go back on the meth?  What else will he loose, besides me?  

When I lay down at nite,  my body physically tenses up.  It is as if at that point, I do not have the distraction of daily chores, children, work, pets and all the other things I do to keep my mind off of him and me.  My mind is free now to go to all the places, I so carefully avoid during the day.  It causes me to toss, even jerk.   Sometimes I have to go take a hot bath to get my muscles to calm down.  I know part of it is the fibromyalgia. 

So here I am on here, asking the cosmic question.  When will I be able to go on?   I never saw myself even going thru one divorce and now I have been thur two.  I have read that it is one of the most stressful things you can have, after the death of family, and next to the loss of a job. 

To add fuel to the already burning fire.  I must have lost my mind trying to take sugar out of my diet.  I made it 7 1/2 days.  Really thought I might have a chance this time, losing weight.  Being healthy.  Oh how silly I must look to myself and everyone else. 

I am 54 yrs old.  I have not been under 200 lbs in 36 yrs.  With the one exception, of 2011 when I first met Brent (ex husband).  It was June.  I was kinda watching what I eat and we went to the river at least 5 out of 7 days a week and swam.  I got to 195.  But as soon as fall came and no more swimming, and no exercise to replace it.  I went back up.

I lay in bed thinking about Brent, the weight thing and how I really do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I do understand, there are way worse thing in the world.  That people go on with there lives just fine after divorce and some how become content with there lives alone.  I really am not here to debate that fact.  I have friends that never married, they seem happy in their lives. 

Brent and I used to lay in bed at nite and read.  If he read something he liked he would read out loud to me and I would to him.  That is what I miss the most.  Before the drugs took him out of our bed.  People on meth do not like to sleep.  So it was a slow death, the end of our marriage.  He would be up for a day or two.  Then more.  In the end, he would be gone for days at a time.  I would have very little clue as to where he was, or who he was with. 

Of course he has found his way back now to the women, who introduced him to meth.  I think he never really left her.  I know he was still seeing her when we were married.  Oh he denied it to the bitter end.  But I know in my heart he was.  Of course the other girls his son drug into our lives were more than a little helpful at filling in the pieces. 

To have a good nite's sleep, with out dreams or night mares.  Waking up to a new day with hope for the future.  That is my wish for me and for everyone else.  We must have hope.

Good nite, my friends. 

look who's back

I have not posted since 2009.  But I miss it so much.  This is just a throw it back out there.  I am ready to write again.  It has been so long.  I look back at my post and remember how sweet my great deer hunter and my little princess were.  They are now 19 and 17.

I will soon be looking dead square into an empty nest.  I am so scared.  I do not do well alone.  I have lots of wonderful friends.  However, when faced with coming home to an empty house.  It seems to take my breath away. 

What complicates this even more is that, I now work from home.  I love my job and am extremely happy to have it.  I am a social creature.  Most of my activity has centered around my children's activities. 

So where do I go from here?  I have the book that I never finished.  The quilt I still need to quilt.  And I am in process of nesting my house.  It is a long story, I am sure I will share later. So that too shall keep me busy for a while. 

I know this is short, start.  It is still a start!!

Look, my proud momma tail feathers are showing.

Happy Saturday to all of you. It is a beautiful, sunny spring day here in my part of the world. My great deer hunter, plays trumpet in the band. Which being named after an arch angel seems very appropriate. Yesterday he had an individual competition at a local school. Scored a #1, which (here come the proud feathers) is the best you can score. WHAAHOOOO... In his words, "mom I was so scared I almost peed myself". The judge, could see he was nervous and let him have a do over. In the second try it nailed it. After his competition, he went to the school "sock hop", with my little princess. Who was dressed in a lovely red DRESS!!!. Holy cow, that is scary, she is my little self described tomboy. Does not like dresses, won't even wear one to church. She even wore her hair down, (normal is a ponytail even to bed). This has never really bothered me, as I know what she looks like under those baggy clothes and with her hair down. She has the hour glass figure I never did, with sparkling eyes and a mane of hair most women would die for. YIKES.. She was beaming. They both had a wonderful time. My deer hunter has always had an almost frighting attraction for the opposite sex. On an afternoon at the local park, he was taken away by an entire brownie pack. They wanted to have his picture taken with them. DOUBLE YIKES.. They will be 13 and 11 in July. My son can not remind me enough that he will be a teenager..Oh I am sure I am going to need meds for this. Several months ago. He with great pride announced that he had "an armpit hair". Do you have any ideal how hard it was not to fall down in the floor laughing. I have noticed that since then he sits with is hands clasp behind his head to show all the world he now has 4 armpit hairs...LOL Because of total hysterectomy I do not have any hormones. Now they will be flying around this house like nats. The ones that buzz your ear driving you totally insane. To make it worse yesterday on Oprah, they had done studies to show what hormones do to us, for us, and what it causes. They talked about the smell that women and men emit, how it affects the opposite sex. How when women ovulate it physically makes her more attractive than the rest of the month, it makes her voice higher pitched. A man who is in contact with a women who is ovulating starts to produce testosterone. We like to think we are higher educated, and in more control than my cat when she come in season. But in reality, we pick and choose with more animal instinct than we care to admit. I won't go into it more now, I have got to get to work. But I think I will later, as I find it so interesting.

Sunday

We had a wonderful day on Sunday. Started off by sleeping in. Well the princess and I did, the deer hunter never sleeps in. He is the early bird. First one to sleep and the first one up. We then just hung out in the house, reading the Sunday paper, playing video games, not in a hurry to do anything. Just after lunch we went to Brams for ice cream. Then went to the park for the afternoon. I sat on the bench, wrote in my journal, they played there hearts out. I got some great pics of them on the jungle bars. It is a cute little park. It is one block from our house. The city just put in new equipment last year and now this year they have added new picnic tables and barbecue grills, a new basketball court. It is great. We love to go there when we have time. All the pretty trees are budding out, the grass is turning green. I love spring. What a glorious day...

Last year..

Here is my last year in a nut shell. I dropped out of beauty school in June. I could not afford to keep going, even with the single parent scholarships. I could not make enough working 25 hrs a week to keep us in a home. It was a very hard decision. It has always been a dream of mine to be a hair dresser. But some time dreams come at to high a cost. I have really kicked myself over this. Seems as I look back on my life. I never finish anything. There is always a reason. I just can't decide if I am lacking something. My life has never been easy, I try not to dwell on it. I know there are people who have found the strength to rise above circumstances. Why can't I? Is it that my desire is not strong enough? I took an IQ test a few yrs ago, I scored a 126. I do not really even know where that falls. I am creative, but seem to have a very hard time staying on task. As anyone who knows me my mind jumps from one place to another. The main reason I am no longer doing medical billing. I was a loyal, trustworthy, dependable employee. But I can't seem to stay on task the way the others did. There fore my work was less than others. I am not looking for you to really answer me. My step dad passed away Aug 16, 08 then my nannie passed away March 16, 09. My step dad was my back up. I knew if all else failed and I had to have something he was there. It has really taken a toll on me. I can tell my stress level has gone thur the roof. I think the worse thing is my health has gone down. In my younger yrs if I needed extra money. I just got a second job. Well now I do good to make it to my regular job 5 days a week. There is nothing left physically or mentally. Just sitting here writing the words, send fear thur my soul. What will I do when I can't get up and go anymore? How will I feed my children? I am not even sure why i am writing all this. I set down and started to write the shot version of where my life is. You know the one where you smile and say everything is fine..Really it is. Then go home and pretend it is. When the truth is I am scared. I have always been a fighter. No matter what came at me I would some how get thur it. I miss Paw Paw. Not the place as much as the time. Friends, young, eager to start our lives. Searching for the place we would go. The things we would do. I miss standing under the stars feeling I was happy, safe, loved. My dear friend told me at my nannies funeral, I do not remember it all. That may be true, I may just choose to remember the good stuff. Yes I know there were some very heated conversations. I always knew that it would be ok. Where do i go from here? Again I am not looking for an answer from you, as much as from me.

What do you think?

Help me with these little questions What is success to you? How do you know when you have found it? Do we ever really find it?

7 months and counting

About the middle of Oct, is the date I long for. This will hopefully the time I finish my 1500 hours of school. I am so ready to be done. The full load I am carrying is getting to me. It is wearing me out. I do have great news. One of my instructors has made me an offer. She does hair at City Hospital. It is more of a geriatric unit. I have delt with the elderly for years. I really enjoy it. She only works on Mondays. The lady who works Tue thur Frid will be leaving this summer. My instructor would like me to fill in the 4 days. We are looking for someone who can fill in for the time between when the other lady leaves, and when I can take my state board tests. It will be my own shop. Without the start up and over head. All I pay is 10% of what I make. I will do the residents hair care. I can also do anyone else who I have as a client. I set my own hours and prices. I have checked around. The Super cuts I had thought about. Requires you work every Saturday and every other Sunday. I just do not want to work weekends. I have been praying God would find a way I could just work during the week and only 4 days. Then out of the blue this came to me. Isn't it great when you realize God does hear our pleas. I have been so blessed this year. Just please pray my body can stand these extra hours. My new sweetie is good, my kid's are great. I have been trying to think of a name for sweetie and his daughter. I think I am leaning to Fearless. It is a joke between us. I made his daughter a tee shirt. She called me today and thanked me for it. It had Daddy's girl on it. Fearless is a fireman. He responded to a bad car wreck today. He said it was 2 kids. I have so many emotions tied to him going out on calls. Well I am off to bed. My brain is going to sleep anyway.

My life is Full

My life is full. It is a wonderful thing to say. I have 2 great kido's. That are doing well. I have a great career I am working on. I should graduate from Cosmotology school in Sept 08. I am really enjoying it. Can not wait. I have a job that I do like while I am going to school.

I work at a home impovement store. It is great, I see everyone I know and get paid to do it.

I picked up 10 little Banny chicks for the great deer hunter and princess today. They were thrilled. I hope they make it. They will have to live at their dads. I did call him first.

My deer hunter is growing into such a little man. My princess is still taking piano lessons. Her teacher called us. Last week she asked her to sing. The teacher was so impressed with her voice. As was a girl in the building that came to see who was singing. Her teacher is changing her piano to Piano and voice lessons. My momma heart swelled up. I prayed that she would have a beautiful voice when she was still in my womb. God has blessed us both.

To add to my full life. I have been blessed with a man. I was not really looking since I had so much going on. But he walked into my life. Now makes me smile every time I think about it.
He is a long tall drink of water, to my body and soul. I am still thinking of a name for him on my blog. He is a trim carpenter by trade and a volunteer fire fighter.

He has a daughter age 10. Between us we have 9,10,11. Both girls are in 4th grade. My kids have met him. But not her yet. As my schedule is to crazy.

I have got to go to bed. I have to be at school tomorrow am.

my new sweetie

When the day is done

you have

crossed and crossed

again and again thur the paths

of my mind

depositing fragments of you

the color of your eyes

the smell of you on my hands

the shape of your smile

the sound of your laughter

the texture of your hand

my desires grow, more of you to know

Jeanie Diane 1/30/08

bouquet of pencils

In my favorite movie is a line, "I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils" by Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail.

I have my freshly sharpened pencils and notebook. Tomorrow is my first day of beauty collage. I am more excited with every passing minute. I have all my clothes picked out and ready to go. I remember me and my best friend in school. I will call her Dimpy. It was her nickname. We would talk on the phone about what we would wear to school. Then walk the 2 blocks to physically look at the outfits.

Will I find a new friend? One who might be with me for yrs to come. Will I meet a nice man? It is as if someone opened Heaven and gave me a second chance at life. A life that I have a say in, one that will have a happy ending.

Oh I know that it will be hard. I will got to school Tues thur Friday 8am to 4pm. and Sat 9am to 2pm. I will work at on my days off all day, then after school every day except Wed and Thurs. The days that the Princess and Great Deer Hunter are here. They are here every other week end also. But in 11 months, I will have a new career. One that I choose, not one that I could do just because it was there.

I have spent most of my pre marriage yrs working 2 jobs. So it is not new to me. But I was a lot younger then. I know my desire for a better life for me and my children will carry me thur this.

My life has never been what you might call a free ride anyway. Not that I am complaining. It is what makes me who I am. A strong, complicated, loyal, loving, compassionate, creative, passionate women.

Well I am off, to work. I'll let you know how it goes.
JD

In 30 years

I have been thinking alot about my mortality. Then Trixie came in with the news from her doctor. This body I have is the only one I will get. I will have to admit. I have not been all that kind to it.

I make it carry an extra 100 lbs. I do not put useful fuel in it. I do not let it just go out for a nice walk in the park. I force it to drink fluids that do not help it to flush out.

As a care giver of this temple. I have failed. The one book I trust more than any other. My King James Holy Bible. Tells my it is a temple. That I keep, as unto God. I can only imagine what he thinks of me. I know he loves me, and wants to help. But I have to be willing to take the help.

A childhood friend is gone, she was 44. I am not sure what happened. I have ideals. None of which are pleasant. This has really grieved me. I have sent my 1st 45 yrs living like I did not care if my body failed me.

Now I am trying figure out how to get another 45 yrs out of it. Not just yrs but good yrs. With my mind and body working well. I want to be a grandmother like my sweet momma was. She played with them. Made Christmas candy for days. Pick out Christmas dresses for the girls.

I remember my Deer Hunter took his 1st steps in front of her. I want that. I want to cook for days before the holidays. Play in the water. I want to make everyone of them a quilt.

DANG IT, I want more yrs. I have so much left to do. I have started a book. Crystal has been helping me with it. Maybe I will share some of it here. When it gets a little more polished.

Well, Ava and I are going out to enjoy a short walk. :-)

I see the tunnel, where's the light

Hello friends,
To say I have been as close to hell. Would be a tremendous understatement.
But alas, God has taken care of me once again. Praise God, he is good.

I am now employed. Two jobs, I work for a large home improvement store. I also work taking care of an Alzheimer patient. Each has it's rewards. The home improvement store, lets me look at construction workers all day. Looking is free.

The lady I take care of is just a blessing. I will call her Ava. I discovered she and I share the same birthday. Dec 14th. I was born on her 40 birthday. So this year we are having a big party. She still has more good days than bad.

Divorce, has gone as well as one of those can go. I get stronger everyday. My precious Deer Hunter and Princess are adjusting well. They had birthdays this summer. He was 11 she was 9. It is so hard for me to believe they are getting so grown up. The Deer Hunter broke his arm this summer. He was racing bikes. He was on someone else's bike. It had hand brakes and he is used to foot brakes. He ran right into the front of a parked 2 ton wrecker. We were having a barbecue. So we were all out side. I had my back to it. But heard the crash.

He was so brave. Jumped up and was walking to the house. After looking him over. We made a trip to the ER. I was so scared. He had and imprint of the handle bar in his chest. His cheek just below his eye was swelling up.

When we signed in he was shaking. The ER was full. I was afraid we would have to wait forever. But we went back to get evaluated, from there straight to ex ray, then back to a room right across from the nurses. With windows so they could see us. This was causing me concern. But when I went out to see if he could have a drink. I was told he could not. Because they were making sure he didn't have any internal injuries. We were blessed. He only came out with a black eye and a broken arm.

The next week. Their camp called me. The Princess had fallen on the concrete. They told me she would most likely have to have stitches. So once again we were off to the ER. They were able to glue it together. Thank God. It was almost more stress than I could take so close together.

We made stepping stone the other day, Ava too. They were all proud of how they came out. Ava really enjoys when I am able to bring kids over. The other day. She was taking a nap. When I went to get her up. She told me she woke up and heard the children. It made her happy to hear them laughing.

I have been blessed even more. I went to sign up for Beauty college. I found out I will get a grant and scholarship that will pay for all my cost. Now I only have to cut corners until I get out. I am also working on getting a small business loan to open my own shop.

So that has been my summer. What have you done? Congrats to Tech on his new book. I am hoping to get one when I get paid.

House Mom

After the shock, and utter embarrassment of being fired wore off. I have really enjoyed
being home. If you take out the panic attacks and sleepless nights. :-(

The last few days have been really nice. I would pick up the kids from school. Take
them to the park. We had a real home cooked meal. It was nice. I am on top of the
laundry (so to speak). Most not all of the clutter has been moved.

Spent the day redecorating the princess's room. She thought it was so cute. She is just
the light in my eyes. She is practicing " When the Saints go marching home" I am hoping
she will have the nerve to play it for the church. Piano, lessons are paying off

The great deer hunter has been out side. Working on his Kong fu moves. He is so funny.
I hope he is able to always keep his since of humor.

Last night I made up a baked pocket. I browned ground turkey, added chopped onion,
1/4 of pack taco seasoning, can of Rotel tomatoes, and drained can of whole kernel corn.
Cooked that down. Took 2 9" ready to use pie crust. Put meat mixture on one side of
a pie crust. Folded pie crust in two. Pinched the edges with a fork. Did the same with
the 2nd crust. Cooked at 400 until crust was done. It was not bad. I did not have any
cheese in the house. It would have been good in it.

We just sliced it in triangles like pie. yum yum.

Well I better get to his new Job interview. I wish I cold find a job paid well enough I could
work 3 days a week.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRYSTAL

I have a very good friend. Her name is Crystal. Most every event in my life has
involved her in some way. We may not have been in the same state at the time.

We have been friends since Jr High. That is more years than could be possible.
Since this is the year we turn 29. :-) LOL... That might be stretching the truth
just a hair or two. Ok may be a whole head of hair!!

We might go months or even a year or so with out talking. But the min I hear her
voice. It is as if time has stood still. It may take us a while but we get back up to
speed. She is always ready to give me advice. I am usually ready to hear it. Some
times I have to chew on it a while.

Live is full of so many turns, trees down in the road, water spewing out from under
the kitchen sink. IT IS A VERY GOOD THING TO HAVE A FRIEND.

Not the longest toast in the world. But this long, tall, cold, Coors is for you Sister.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, MY FRIEND.

I am ok, REALLY I AM......

Divorce- traumatic event

Setting up new home- traumatic event

Losing your job- traumatic event

Lets recap for those who might have missed. I am going thur a divorce. After
11 yrs and 2 children. So i am setting up a new home. I only left with the sofa,
love seat, some kitchen utensil's, and personal items.

Then with out warning ( I guess there never is) I was fired from my job.
I am 45 yrs old started working at the age of 15. I have never been fired.
This had to be one of the most humiliating things that has ever happened to me.
Not to mention not a good time in my life.

3 major traumatic events. In the last 6 months.

Now I am just venting. That was the purpose of this blog. To let go of all my
experiences, good, bad, happy or sad. Surprisingly I am really ok.

I have set up my new home. I still have some boxes to empty. I would like to
paint the walls. Make some curtains. But for the most part. I am very happy
with my new home. It is paid for which helps a lot.

I had a very good interview this morning. It is with a large hospital in our
city. The position may not be the greatest. But it does get my foot in the
door.

I have been thinking of going back to school. I am still deciding on what I
would like to do. I am limited. I can not be on my feet for a long time.

If any one has any ideals. Please leave them.

The great deer hunter and Princess are doing very well thur all of this.
We have tried to do this with their best interest. I also have a beautiful
Korean girl in our home. She is 17 and from South Korea. I call her
Sunflower. Thru all of this she has helped keep every ones mind occupied.

This is a lot to swallow. But surprisingly I really am doing ok. This will
be a very had year. When I look back on it. I will think it was for the best.

You know what they always say. If it does not kill you, it will make you
stronger. I am working on being one of the strongest women alive. hhheee
LOL..:-)

Lots of love to momma ER and big brudder. You are in my thoughts and
prayers.

The Darkness Come

THE DARKNESS COME

whence duth come the darkness

all consuming day, all consuming night

whence duth come the darkness

eyes that see no more

whence duth come the darkness

bones that crumble and waste

whence duth come the darkness

ears that scream

whence duth come the darkness

lips that burn with desire

whence duth come the darkness

heart that beats no more

whence duth come the LIGHT!!

jd
10-23-06 1:15 AM


LET THE LIGHT SHINE

oh the pain that floods my soul. the darkness comes
over powering like the waters of a roaring
river that can not be stopped.

the sorow weighs on me. like a mill stone pulling me
under the currents deeper, deeper and deeper.

fear of the terrior not seen, hidden in the cold
black abyss.

life filled with , lyies, untrust, sadness,
hopelessness, sucking all the joy from every
fiber of my soul.

the darkness is so all consuming

when, when oh when I beg will the light come when
will the joy, hope, and freedom come to me

can i stand strong until the light comes please, please
i beg, let the light shine again.


jd
11-03-06

the flames are burning my feet

Hello friends,

To say my life is hell right now, would be a tremendous understatment.

I am sitting in the living room of my mothers home. (mom died 4 yrs
now but it will always be mom's house). It is were I go when life is
just to overwhelming. I do not know if it is just me. Mom died here at
home. I can still feel her peace here. Calming me when the answeres to
life are very had.

This blog was to be my place to take my feelings good, bad, sad, happy and
ever thing in between. I have been so locked up inside. I couldn't even
find words to write here.

I think I can finally hear the flood waters coming. I have some poems I will
be listing later. I left them at work.

I am in the process of a D I V O R C E....I feel as if I have been to
the bottom of hell. I keep thinking it will be over soon. But that is
when the flood waters suck me down in a whirlpool again.

That is why I had to come home. I will still have to get up and drive
back for work tomorrow. But I needed to get out for a while. I need
your prayers. ( I need this DONE..) I have to get started on my
way back up.

I have always been a fighter. Ask anyone who knows me. But my fighting
skills are rusty. I have spent the last 10 yrs keeping peace, not speaking
my mind. To the point I woke up one morning, not knowing who I was looking
at in the mirror.

All the things that made me who I am, were gone. I am sick all the time.
My mind fades in and out. My respect for myself left long ago. I truly
beleive my life has been making me physically sick.

I guess we will find out soon. The longer I am gone, we will see if
I get better.

I have been to the lawyer. I know how much money I will be getting. The
issues about the children have been settled. Now I need to be able to
find a place. I need to try and find some thing I can pay cash for.
All should be done by the new year.

Pray for my deer hunter and the little princess. They will need it
I do not want them to get caught up in this. They still need 2 parents.

( the little deer hunter and dad got a deer :-) I have never
seen my little man more excited and proud. He couldn't get
his hammer back. So he told dad to get it. )

I guess I will end this for now. I am very sorry to dump such unhappy
stuff. But as I said this is my sounding board.

from the bottom
JD

What a Day!!

Tomorrow will be one of the busyist days of my life. I am already tired just
thinking about it.

My darling little princess will be in her school Mr and Miss pageant. We have
practice at 9:00am. Then as soon as we get out, we are heading for the hair
dresser. She will have her hair and nails done. I can't wait to see how she
looks.

By the time we get done there, grab some lunch. We are heading for their
cousin's birthday party. It is a costume party. Of course she is going as
a princess, her brother is going as a pirate.

Before the party is over. I will take the great deer hunter to his 1st
ever football game. The princess will go home with my mother in law to
wait for us. The great deer hunter is doing just great in football. I
was surprised, he took to it so well. He is pretty small for his age.
I have seen him take down boys ever bit 3x bigger than him. He is tackle
on defense. He is so small and fast, he hits the guy in front of him on
the legs and takes them down. Last week he hit a big kid, who fell on
top of him. The big kid had to be taken out of the scrimmage. He some how got
his hand in deer hunter's helment and cut it.

The kids dad will pick up princess at his moms. Get her to the pageant.
As soon as we get done with football. We will head that away. Football
game is from 5-6pm. It is at least an hour from the pageant. It starts at
7 pm.

The force be with me. I am so excited for both of them. I am not sure of
the chances princess has to win. But I can't wait to see her all dressed up.
The Great deer hunter's chance of winning are pretty slim. The team they are
playing was the best team at the scrimmages last week with all the teams.

That is enough rambling for now.