I am restless..

I started this blog in Oct 2004.  It was a way for me to express all that was going on in my life.  A place to pretend for a minute, that my life mattered.  Somewhere in the big picture of things. 

I wanted to raise my children, get them started on a good life.  What ever that exactly is I now do not know.  What really defines a good life?  In our country it would be defined by how much you make and what all you have acquired.  In another country, it might be just that you lived without being killed, by bombing, wild animals, an epidemic, or act of nature.  Did the life of a person living in the jungle somewhere, living off the land, mean as much as a vice president of a large corporation? 

Take my life.  I live a pretty small life, compared to some.  I live in a small, modest home.  It is not as clean as it should be, but I am happy for the most part here.  I know there are people who live in worse conditions. I have lots of things that need to be done.  I have sewer leak in the back yard, I do not have any working heat, this does have to be addressed soon, or I will have really big problems.  I am not complaining, I am just trying to come to understand where, I go from here. 

My children were 8 and 6 when I started this blog.  They are now 20 and 18.  So for the most part starting out on there own.  Both in higher education. No longer living with me. 

I have gone through 2 divorces.  Which takes a lot of a person.  Gone through several health issues and still have some.  One of the main reason's that the sewer out back has not been fixed.  I can not do things I used to be able to do.  This has sent me into depression.  I get tired of begging for help.  Do not have financial means to hire someone to help.  I sometimes feel I am spiraling out of control. 

Some how, I still have hope.  I get up every day.  I work from home.  This has helped me so much. I wonder though, am I doing or making my place, in this world?  The place God has intended me to be.  I know God has used me,  I have seen prayers answered.  This is good and bad.  I know it is not me.  It does however put pressure on me, what if I pray and God doesn't do what is asked.  Have I failed him? I know I have failed people.  One of the worse things I ever heard came from a man from our church.  After my first divorce, he couldn't understand, that I as a person was not perfect.  The divorce let him down, and it broke my heart. I do love my church, but is it where I am to be?

Do I stay here in my little town, now that my children are gone?  Do I go back to my home town?  Do I just get in a car and travel? I really do not want to be alone, but I do not have the ability to do the things a wife is expected to do.  Does this lesson my value as a person?  I have friends, but honestly, not very many true friends.  My true friends live away.  What about my kids, if I leave this area? 

I miss my second husband so bad sometimes it hurts.  The person under the addiction.  I pray for him daily.  My first husband, it has only been through the grace of God, that I have not inflicted bodily harm to him.  I have never met a more manipulative person in my life.  He has spent the past 11 yrs doing every thing in his power to discredit me before my children and the community.  It was working for a while.  But now both of my children see him for what he is.  It is a very sad thing.  As the only reason I stayed here after my divorce was so my children could have a relationship with him.  As I never knew my dad. 

So between the 2 divorces, my heart is not in a place to trust anyone.

I do not go back and to major editing to my blog stories, so I am aware I ramble.  This is not a place of making sense as much as a place to ask questions of my self.  God bless and good night.

I HATE METH, I HATE METH. I HATE METH

I was told that Hitler developed meth, to keep his soldiers going.  On no food and with out sleep.  I can believe it.  Because I believe with all my heart it was created by the devil himself.  If history was correct Hitler was pretty close to a child of Satan, if there ever was one.  I am not here to debate any one's opinion of Hitler. 

My problem is with the creation.  I was totally blind sighted by the drug.  I had seen the news stories about it.  I watched my sister destroy her life and the lives of her children.  However from afar.  As she would never live close to us to hide the drug use.  I have watched it destroy any moral fiber she may have been taught in church and at home as a child.  Steal from her own mother, use her children's social security numbers to set up utilities, after it was shut off in her name.

I was never around to see the affects of it on her.  I did not see the people she had around her to supply the drugs to her, or what she had to do to get it.

I did however get a strong hate for the use of drugs, of most any kind.  I could not see any good in them.  Only destruction, death, sadness, lies, bitterness, jail time,  children lost in the system.  What I can not rap my mind around is the fact that, children  will grow up to use this stuff.  After watching in fear what it has done to there parents.  The curse will continue through generations.

I can not grasp that.  I have read so much now, because it has touched my life.  Most people who try meth, are addicted the first time.  Some it takes a little longer . Just a little longer.  As it hits on every good feeling receptor in the brain.  From that point on, it is a battle to keep getting that high.  As the body starts to adjust and they have to use more, use other methods of introduction to the body.  

This is what I did see, with my own eyes.  In my own life as the wife of an addict.  I watched what it did to him and his son.  I watched as it became impossible to live with them in our home.  Asking them to leave, finding out they had been arrested on drug charges.  This is my story.

They will stay up for days.  Thinking that they are ok, functioning just like normal.  In reality it takes a grown man who can fix just about anything.  Down to the mentality of a pre teen.  Their attention span is very short.  They fixate on video games, or doing something with their hands.  Thinking all is working well. The simplest task now takes 5 times as long.  They leave kitchen cabinets open, draws open, water running in the sink.   A trail of fishing equipment, knives he always had a knife he was sharping.  I would find open knives in the bed, the couch, coffee table, bathroom, kitchen counter. It was like a trail of them.

I do not know the medical reason, and I am very sure there is one.  They will not shower,  their teeth rot out from the meth drying their mouth out.  Causing them to drink more fluids.  However they usually choose Mountain Dew.  It has more sugar and caffeine than some of the other soda's.  That is what caused the tooth decay.   When they do eat, it is usually sugary snacks.  To try and keep the high going.

Then come the inevitable time they have to crash. Most of the time they fall asleep anywhere they get still. Could be in a chair, on the toilet, on the floor.  It is really hard to get them into bed.  As they seem to hate sleeping.  Thinking if they do not go to bed they won't sleep.  I have noticed, that the crash takes almost as long to recover with matched days down as they were up.  The first hours of sleep, are very fitful.  Dreaming, crying out in there sleep, tossing, jerking.  This goes on for hours.  I don't know if they are even aware of it.  As I never had the nerve to ask. 

Waking up from this must be a tremendous shock to their bodies.  As they are searching for a fix as soon as their eyes open.  If there is none to be found.  It is like living with Jekel and Hyde.  The withdrawal are painful.   Both mentally and physically. As if every nerve in their body is raw.  They lash out at everyone around them.  I guess I was one of the lucky ones, who did not have any physical abuse.

Depending on the person, as to how bad it is.  Most of what I endured was verbal and mental abuse.  I did not know how to cook, clean, drive, wash clothes, the way I breathed was wrong. 

At this point even I would pay for meth, just to get away from this evil person who had taken over my husband.  So it becomes a vicious cycle.  With only a bad ending. 

I do not even know now if the man I fell in love with was the one on the drugs, or not.  Since I was not around anyone with a drug addiction before.  I am sure I missed the beginning signs.   I sure did not miss the ending signs.  Lies, money gone, could not hold a job, our home destroyed. 

I honestly do not even have an answer, as what to do to help them.  I know there is rehab, drug court and Christian based help.  The latter is the one I would put the most faith in.  You can not help someone who does not want any help.  I do not know the percentage of people who truly get help and are able to stay off.  I know it can not be very high.  My own husband said no one is able to quit. They might be off for a while, but they will go back.  I guess he knows.

Our jails and prisons are full of petty drug dealers.  Most just sell to friends to pay for their own addiction.  I sat under a tree one day, in front of a county court house.  My husband was in jail there.  I was sitting next to an attorney who was legal aid for the folks who could not afford an attorney.  We discussed the fact that most all of these folks were just that.  Petty dealers, with a circle of friends who were also addicts.  Keeping each other in meth. 

We also discussed how the cartel seemed to be able to move millions of dollars worth of meth and no one could catch them.  Driving semi trucks full across this great country and no one seemed to know where they are.

He was of the opinion that the courts and prisons are full just to have jobs.  I did not know that most prison are for profit.  That if they drop below a certain number of inmates.  The state will pay them.  So it seems to me, the states are pushing to keep these repeat offenders coming back.  They really do not want these folks off the drugs. 

While the judges are smoking pot on Friday after noons with afew good friends.  My short time in this marriage.  Just over 3 years.  A person would be very surprised as to who does these drugs. 

I HATE METH!

why do i bother?

Once again, sleep eludes me.  I know it has to do with my body's reaction to stress.  I know all of our lives we are taught that every action has a reaction.  It has to include the introduction to knowledge we did not know. 

Example,  my ex husband was released from jail today. That was an action that I really had no involvement in.  It however is my reaction, that is why I am not sleeping.  Now I do not have any fear for my safety or that of my children with this knowledge.  I should be able to just get on with my life.  Not having any concern as to how or what he does. 

This is where my stress is coming from.  I can not just turn off my mind and feelings.  Will he get his life together now?  Will he go back on the meth?  What else will he loose, besides me?  

When I lay down at nite,  my body physically tenses up.  It is as if at that point, I do not have the distraction of daily chores, children, work, pets and all the other things I do to keep my mind off of him and me.  My mind is free now to go to all the places, I so carefully avoid during the day.  It causes me to toss, even jerk.   Sometimes I have to go take a hot bath to get my muscles to calm down.  I know part of it is the fibromyalgia. 

So here I am on here, asking the cosmic question.  When will I be able to go on?   I never saw myself even going thru one divorce and now I have been thur two.  I have read that it is one of the most stressful things you can have, after the death of family, and next to the loss of a job. 

To add fuel to the already burning fire.  I must have lost my mind trying to take sugar out of my diet.  I made it 7 1/2 days.  Really thought I might have a chance this time, losing weight.  Being healthy.  Oh how silly I must look to myself and everyone else. 

I am 54 yrs old.  I have not been under 200 lbs in 36 yrs.  With the one exception, of 2011 when I first met Brent (ex husband).  It was June.  I was kinda watching what I eat and we went to the river at least 5 out of 7 days a week and swam.  I got to 195.  But as soon as fall came and no more swimming, and no exercise to replace it.  I went back up.

I lay in bed thinking about Brent, the weight thing and how I really do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I do understand, there are way worse thing in the world.  That people go on with there lives just fine after divorce and some how become content with there lives alone.  I really am not here to debate that fact.  I have friends that never married, they seem happy in their lives. 

Brent and I used to lay in bed at nite and read.  If he read something he liked he would read out loud to me and I would to him.  That is what I miss the most.  Before the drugs took him out of our bed.  People on meth do not like to sleep.  So it was a slow death, the end of our marriage.  He would be up for a day or two.  Then more.  In the end, he would be gone for days at a time.  I would have very little clue as to where he was, or who he was with. 

Of course he has found his way back now to the women, who introduced him to meth.  I think he never really left her.  I know he was still seeing her when we were married.  Oh he denied it to the bitter end.  But I know in my heart he was.  Of course the other girls his son drug into our lives were more than a little helpful at filling in the pieces. 

To have a good nite's sleep, with out dreams or night mares.  Waking up to a new day with hope for the future.  That is my wish for me and for everyone else.  We must have hope.

Good nite, my friends. 

look who's back

I have not posted since 2009.  But I miss it so much.  This is just a throw it back out there.  I am ready to write again.  It has been so long.  I look back at my post and remember how sweet my great deer hunter and my little princess were.  They are now 19 and 17.

I will soon be looking dead square into an empty nest.  I am so scared.  I do not do well alone.  I have lots of wonderful friends.  However, when faced with coming home to an empty house.  It seems to take my breath away. 

What complicates this even more is that, I now work from home.  I love my job and am extremely happy to have it.  I am a social creature.  Most of my activity has centered around my children's activities. 

So where do I go from here?  I have the book that I never finished.  The quilt I still need to quilt.  And I am in process of nesting my house.  It is a long story, I am sure I will share later. So that too shall keep me busy for a while. 

I know this is short, start.  It is still a start!!

Look, my proud momma tail feathers are showing.

Happy Saturday to all of you. It is a beautiful, sunny spring day here in my part of the world. My great deer hunter, plays trumpet in the band. Which being named after an arch angel seems very appropriate. Yesterday he had an individual competition at a local school. Scored a #1, which (here come the proud feathers) is the best you can score. WHAAHOOOO... In his words, "mom I was so scared I almost peed myself". The judge, could see he was nervous and let him have a do over. In the second try it nailed it. After his competition, he went to the school "sock hop", with my little princess. Who was dressed in a lovely red DRESS!!!. Holy cow, that is scary, she is my little self described tomboy. Does not like dresses, won't even wear one to church. She even wore her hair down, (normal is a ponytail even to bed). This has never really bothered me, as I know what she looks like under those baggy clothes and with her hair down. She has the hour glass figure I never did, with sparkling eyes and a mane of hair most women would die for. YIKES.. She was beaming. They both had a wonderful time. My deer hunter has always had an almost frighting attraction for the opposite sex. On an afternoon at the local park, he was taken away by an entire brownie pack. They wanted to have his picture taken with them. DOUBLE YIKES.. They will be 13 and 11 in July. My son can not remind me enough that he will be a teenager..Oh I am sure I am going to need meds for this. Several months ago. He with great pride announced that he had "an armpit hair". Do you have any ideal how hard it was not to fall down in the floor laughing. I have noticed that since then he sits with is hands clasp behind his head to show all the world he now has 4 armpit hairs...LOL Because of total hysterectomy I do not have any hormones. Now they will be flying around this house like nats. The ones that buzz your ear driving you totally insane. To make it worse yesterday on Oprah, they had done studies to show what hormones do to us, for us, and what it causes. They talked about the smell that women and men emit, how it affects the opposite sex. How when women ovulate it physically makes her more attractive than the rest of the month, it makes her voice higher pitched. A man who is in contact with a women who is ovulating starts to produce testosterone. We like to think we are higher educated, and in more control than my cat when she come in season. But in reality, we pick and choose with more animal instinct than we care to admit. I won't go into it more now, I have got to get to work. But I think I will later, as I find it so interesting.

Sunday

We had a wonderful day on Sunday. Started off by sleeping in. Well the princess and I did, the deer hunter never sleeps in. He is the early bird. First one to sleep and the first one up. We then just hung out in the house, reading the Sunday paper, playing video games, not in a hurry to do anything. Just after lunch we went to Brams for ice cream. Then went to the park for the afternoon. I sat on the bench, wrote in my journal, they played there hearts out. I got some great pics of them on the jungle bars. It is a cute little park. It is one block from our house. The city just put in new equipment last year and now this year they have added new picnic tables and barbecue grills, a new basketball court. It is great. We love to go there when we have time. All the pretty trees are budding out, the grass is turning green. I love spring. What a glorious day...

Last year..

Here is my last year in a nut shell. I dropped out of beauty school in June. I could not afford to keep going, even with the single parent scholarships. I could not make enough working 25 hrs a week to keep us in a home. It was a very hard decision. It has always been a dream of mine to be a hair dresser. But some time dreams come at to high a cost. I have really kicked myself over this. Seems as I look back on my life. I never finish anything. There is always a reason. I just can't decide if I am lacking something. My life has never been easy, I try not to dwell on it. I know there are people who have found the strength to rise above circumstances. Why can't I? Is it that my desire is not strong enough? I took an IQ test a few yrs ago, I scored a 126. I do not really even know where that falls. I am creative, but seem to have a very hard time staying on task. As anyone who knows me my mind jumps from one place to another. The main reason I am no longer doing medical billing. I was a loyal, trustworthy, dependable employee. But I can't seem to stay on task the way the others did. There fore my work was less than others. I am not looking for you to really answer me. My step dad passed away Aug 16, 08 then my nannie passed away March 16, 09. My step dad was my back up. I knew if all else failed and I had to have something he was there. It has really taken a toll on me. I can tell my stress level has gone thur the roof. I think the worse thing is my health has gone down. In my younger yrs if I needed extra money. I just got a second job. Well now I do good to make it to my regular job 5 days a week. There is nothing left physically or mentally. Just sitting here writing the words, send fear thur my soul. What will I do when I can't get up and go anymore? How will I feed my children? I am not even sure why i am writing all this. I set down and started to write the shot version of where my life is. You know the one where you smile and say everything is fine..Really it is. Then go home and pretend it is. When the truth is I am scared. I have always been a fighter. No matter what came at me I would some how get thur it. I miss Paw Paw. Not the place as much as the time. Friends, young, eager to start our lives. Searching for the place we would go. The things we would do. I miss standing under the stars feeling I was happy, safe, loved. My dear friend told me at my nannies funeral, I do not remember it all. That may be true, I may just choose to remember the good stuff. Yes I know there were some very heated conversations. I always knew that it would be ok. Where do i go from here? Again I am not looking for an answer from you, as much as from me.