Friday, March 18, 2016


I was told that Hitler developed meth, to keep his soldiers going.  On no food and with out sleep.  I can believe it.  Because I believe with all my heart it was created by the devil himself.  If history was correct Hitler was pretty close to a child of Satan, if there ever was one.  I am not here to debate any one's opinion of Hitler. 

My problem is with the creation.  I was totally blind sighted by the drug.  I had seen the news stories about it.  I watched my sister destroy her life and the lives of her children.  However from afar.  As she would never live close to us to hide the drug use.  I have watched it destroy any moral fiber she may have been taught in church and at home as a child.  Steal from her own mother, use her children's social security numbers to set up utilities, after it was shut off in her name.

I was never around to see the affects of it on her.  I did not see the people she had around her to supply the drugs to her, or what she had to do to get it.

I did however get a strong hate for the use of drugs, of most any kind.  I could not see any good in them.  Only destruction, death, sadness, lies, bitterness, jail time,  children lost in the system.  What I can not rap my mind around is the fact that, children  will grow up to use this stuff.  After watching in fear what it has done to there parents.  The curse will continue through generations.

I can not grasp that.  I have read so much now, because it has touched my life.  Most people who try meth, are addicted the first time.  Some it takes a little longer . Just a little longer.  As it hits on every good feeling receptor in the brain.  From that point on, it is a battle to keep getting that high.  As the body starts to adjust and they have to use more, use other methods of introduction to the body.  

This is what I did see, with my own eyes.  In my own life as the wife of an addict.  I watched what it did to him and his son.  I watched as it became impossible to live with them in our home.  Asking them to leave, finding out they had been arrested on drug charges.  This is my story.

They will stay up for days.  Thinking that they are ok, functioning just like normal.  In reality it takes a grown man who can fix just about anything.  Down to the mentality of a pre teen.  Their attention span is very short.  They fixate on video games, or doing something with their hands.  Thinking all is working well. The simplest task now takes 5 times as long.  They leave kitchen cabinets open, draws open, water running in the sink.   A trail of fishing equipment, knives he always had a knife he was sharping.  I would find open knives in the bed, the couch, coffee table, bathroom, kitchen counter. It was like a trail of them.

I do not know the medical reason, and I am very sure there is one.  They will not shower,  their teeth rot out from the meth drying their mouth out.  Causing them to drink more fluids.  However they usually choose Mountain Dew.  It has more sugar and caffeine than some of the other soda's.  That is what caused the tooth decay.   When they do eat, it is usually sugary snacks.  To try and keep the high going.

Then come the inevitable time they have to crash. Most of the time they fall asleep anywhere they get still. Could be in a chair, on the toilet, on the floor.  It is really hard to get them into bed.  As they seem to hate sleeping.  Thinking if they do not go to bed they won't sleep.  I have noticed, that the crash takes almost as long to recover with matched days down as they were up.  The first hours of sleep, are very fitful.  Dreaming, crying out in there sleep, tossing, jerking.  This goes on for hours.  I don't know if they are even aware of it.  As I never had the nerve to ask. 

Waking up from this must be a tremendous shock to their bodies.  As they are searching for a fix as soon as their eyes open.  If there is none to be found.  It is like living with Jekel and Hyde.  The withdrawal are painful.   Both mentally and physically. As if every nerve in their body is raw.  They lash out at everyone around them.  I guess I was one of the lucky ones, who did not have any physical abuse.

Depending on the person, as to how bad it is.  Most of what I endured was verbal and mental abuse.  I did not know how to cook, clean, drive, wash clothes, the way I breathed was wrong. 

At this point even I would pay for meth, just to get away from this evil person who had taken over my husband.  So it becomes a vicious cycle.  With only a bad ending. 

I do not even know now if the man I fell in love with was the one on the drugs, or not.  Since I was not around anyone with a drug addiction before.  I am sure I missed the beginning signs.   I sure did not miss the ending signs.  Lies, money gone, could not hold a job, our home destroyed. 

I honestly do not even have an answer, as what to do to help them.  I know there is rehab, drug court and Christian based help.  The latter is the one I would put the most faith in.  You can not help someone who does not want any help.  I do not know the percentage of people who truly get help and are able to stay off.  I know it can not be very high.  My own husband said no one is able to quit. They might be off for a while, but they will go back.  I guess he knows.

Our jails and prisons are full of petty drug dealers.  Most just sell to friends to pay for their own addiction.  I sat under a tree one day, in front of a county court house.  My husband was in jail there.  I was sitting next to an attorney who was legal aid for the folks who could not afford an attorney.  We discussed the fact that most all of these folks were just that.  Petty dealers, with a circle of friends who were also addicts.  Keeping each other in meth. 

We also discussed how the cartel seemed to be able to move millions of dollars worth of meth and no one could catch them.  Driving semi trucks full across this great country and no one seemed to know where they are.

He was of the opinion that the courts and prisons are full just to have jobs.  I did not know that most prison are for profit.  That if they drop below a certain number of inmates.  The state will pay them.  So it seems to me, the states are pushing to keep these repeat offenders coming back.  They really do not want these folks off the drugs. 

While the judges are smoking pot on Friday after noons with afew good friends.  My short time in this marriage.  Just over 3 years.  A person would be very surprised as to who does these drugs. 


Wednesday, March 16, 2016

why do i bother?

Once again, sleep eludes me.  I know it has to do with my body's reaction to stress.  I know all of our lives we are taught that every action has a reaction.  It has to include the introduction to knowledge we did not know. 

Example,  my ex husband was released from jail today. That was an action that I really had no involvement in.  It however is my reaction, that is why I am not sleeping.  Now I do not have any fear for my safety or that of my children with this knowledge.  I should be able to just get on with my life.  Not having any concern as to how or what he does. 

This is where my stress is coming from.  I can not just turn off my mind and feelings.  Will he get his life together now?  Will he go back on the meth?  What else will he loose, besides me?  

When I lay down at nite,  my body physically tenses up.  It is as if at that point, I do not have the distraction of daily chores, children, work, pets and all the other things I do to keep my mind off of him and me.  My mind is free now to go to all the places, I so carefully avoid during the day.  It causes me to toss, even jerk.   Sometimes I have to go take a hot bath to get my muscles to calm down.  I know part of it is the fibromyalgia. 

So here I am on here, asking the cosmic question.  When will I be able to go on?   I never saw myself even going thru one divorce and now I have been thur two.  I have read that it is one of the most stressful things you can have, after the death of family, and next to the loss of a job. 

To add fuel to the already burning fire.  I must have lost my mind trying to take sugar out of my diet.  I made it 7 1/2 days.  Really thought I might have a chance this time, losing weight.  Being healthy.  Oh how silly I must look to myself and everyone else. 

I am 54 yrs old.  I have not been under 200 lbs in 36 yrs.  With the one exception, of 2011 when I first met Brent (ex husband).  It was June.  I was kinda watching what I eat and we went to the river at least 5 out of 7 days a week and swam.  I got to 195.  But as soon as fall came and no more swimming, and no exercise to replace it.  I went back up.

I lay in bed thinking about Brent, the weight thing and how I really do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I do understand, there are way worse thing in the world.  That people go on with there lives just fine after divorce and some how become content with there lives alone.  I really am not here to debate that fact.  I have friends that never married, they seem happy in their lives. 

Brent and I used to lay in bed at nite and read.  If he read something he liked he would read out loud to me and I would to him.  That is what I miss the most.  Before the drugs took him out of our bed.  People on meth do not like to sleep.  So it was a slow death, the end of our marriage.  He would be up for a day or two.  Then more.  In the end, he would be gone for days at a time.  I would have very little clue as to where he was, or who he was with. 

Of course he has found his way back now to the women, who introduced him to meth.  I think he never really left her.  I know he was still seeing her when we were married.  Oh he denied it to the bitter end.  But I know in my heart he was.  Of course the other girls his son drug into our lives were more than a little helpful at filling in the pieces. 

To have a good nite's sleep, with out dreams or night mares.  Waking up to a new day with hope for the future.  That is my wish for me and for everyone else.  We must have hope.

Good nite, my friends. 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

look who's back

I have not posted since 2009.  But I miss it so much.  This is just a throw it back out there.  I am ready to write again.  It has been so long.  I look back at my post and remember how sweet my great deer hunter and my little princess were.  They are now 19 and 17.

I will soon be looking dead square into an empty nest.  I am so scared.  I do not do well alone.  I have lots of wonderful friends.  However, when faced with coming home to an empty house.  It seems to take my breath away. 

What complicates this even more is that, I now work from home.  I love my job and am extremely happy to have it.  I am a social creature.  Most of my activity has centered around my children's activities. 

So where do I go from here?  I have the book that I never finished.  The quilt I still need to quilt.  And I am in process of nesting my house.  It is a long story, I am sure I will share later. So that too shall keep me busy for a while. 

I know this is short, start.  It is still a start!!